Psychologist specialising in narcissism, narcissistic personalities and narcissistic abuse

I am a clinical psychologist in Brussels and I specialise in narcissistic disorders. Narcissism is a complex notion which I shall try to summarise in this article. If you are suffering from a narcissistic disorder, or if you find yourself under the control of a narcissistic personality, I would encourage you to consult a psychologist.

What do we really mean by narcissism? In the popular definition, a narcissist is someone with a great deal of self-confidence, generally described as full of themselves.

While that definition is partly accurate, narcissism, which today gives rise to a great many fantasies, is a notion that is very complex to grasp in all its reality.

It was Sigmund Freud, in 1913, who originated the notion, and he explained in particular how it takes root in childhood. We shall look at how this pathology develops and at the consequences it can have for the individual and for those around them.

We shall then turn to the narcissistic abuser, who is a particular case of the narcissistic personality. The notion of the narcissistic abuser (pervers narcissique) was introduced by Paul-Claude Racamier in 1986. Yet, contrary to popular belief, the narcissistic abuser does not encompass all narcissistic disorders; it constitutes one particular case among them.

Surveys show that 6.2% of the population suffers from a narcissistic disorder. This figure is probably an underestimate, since few narcissists turn to a psychologist, because they are not aware of their pathology. That said, this figure covers narcissistic personality disorders as a whole and not only narcissistic abusers.

The notion of narcissism and its origins.

Narcissism is built during the first years of life and generally becomes fixed in childhood, in connection with the quality of the parent-child relationship, as Freud demonstrated when he introduced the notion. It was in 1913, in his work “The Disposition to Obsessional Neurosis”, that he mentioned it for the first time. He would develop the concept more fully in his work “On Narcissism: An Introduction”, 1913.

At the very beginning, the baby does not at first understand that the sensations it feels (the bottle, a caress, various forms of care) come from an Other. It does not perceive the people caring for it as external to itself, and therefore feels omnipotent, with the illusion of satisfying itself. That is narcissism.

Little by little, the child comes to realise that it depends on others for its needs, for its survival, with all the ambivalence that this realisation brings to light.

Every individual must mourn the illusion of the omnipotence of those first moments, when they believe they can satisfy all their own needs, only to discover that at the end of the breast or the bottle there is a mother on whom they depend. The awareness of a self and a not-self begins. The child moves from a feeling of self-sufficiency (total narcissism) to an awareness of the other, and then later to love of the other.

How does someone become narcissistic?

What causes narcissism?

As development continues, parents must pay sufficient attention to their child’s dreams, hopes, worries and disappointments, without projecting onto them the disappointments and frustrations linked to their own history.

If children feel respected in their status as children, with clear boundaries, they will acquire a sense of security, of personal worth and of empathy towards the outside world. They will be aware of themselves and aware of others.

But if childhood has been contaminated by parental projections (the child’s world invaded by the parents’ own childhood suffering), by neglect and by abuse, it becomes impossible to value oneself and to develop a healthy narcissism.

Whatever the configuration, the common denominator is that the “future narcissistic child” is never recognised in their particularity as a child, with their own personality and their own needs. They are not helped to grow; they are an extension of their parents, in the service of the parents’ own narcissism.

The narcissist will then never again want to depend on anyone, because the relationship with their parents was too difficult.

Paradoxically, they will need the admiration and validation of others to feed their fragile ego. They will first seek to possess others in order to render them harmless, and to avoid at all costs being rejected or abandoned once again.

This constant search for validation distorts every human relationship and often leads to self-destructive behaviour.

The narcissistic personality.

What are the signs of a narcissistic person?

The common denominators of all narcissistic personalities are the following, as set out in the DSM-5, “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders”, 2013.

• A grandiose sense of their own importance;
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power and brilliance;
• Believes they are “special” and unique;
• Has an excessive need to be admired;
• Has a sense of entitlement;
• Exploits others in interpersonal relationships;
• Lacks empathy;
• Is often envious of others, and believes that others envy them;
• Displays arrogant and haughty attitudes and behaviour.

The pathology of narcissism is a continuum: there is a spectrum of narcissism ranging from the fairly harmless individual, if lacking in empathy, to the predatory psychopath.

Between these two extremes, every nuance and configuration is possible.

It is in the American literature that the notion of a narcissism “spectrum” was established, and more specifically by Craig Malkin, in his book “Rethinking Narcissism”, 2016, which has not been translated into French.

This notion is nevertheless crucial, and poorly understood in the French-language literature, which tends to confuse the narcissist with the narcissistic abuser. Yet narcissistic abusers are far from being the norm: they sit right at the end of the spectrum and constitute the most dangerous category.

As a general rule, the narcissist is not aware of their pathology. They are not deliberately seeking to do harm: it is a survival instinct of which they know nothing.

When you are not aware of your own madness, you cannot question yourself.

That is why the deeper the madness, the less aware of it one is, and the less likely one is to seek treatment.

What is someone who is narcissistic like?

Often elated, they speak about themselves with great excitement, frequently losing themselves in endless monologues to their own glory.

Over the smallest detail, they can become angry in a completely disproportionate way. Their remarks are contemptuous, because no one is ever good enough.

Because they are not in touch with their own emotions, they project everything onto the other person. If they are upset, they will make you believe it is you. If they are irritated, they will do everything they can to put you in the same state as themselves.

Their life consists of seeking to enhance their value in the eyes of others.

As a result, it is others whom they exhaust. You cannot exist when you are with them; you are always reduced to the role of a foil, and you leave them feeling full of questions, confused and often angry without really knowing why!

The narcissistic abuser

As mentioned above, narcissistic personality disorder is far more widespread than narcissistic abuse. Each of us has more than one narcissist among the people we know; however, if you think you have crossed paths, as many people do these days, with a narcissistic abuser, it is possible that this is not the case, because as a rule one does not think it, one knows it.

How do you recognise a narcissist in a relationship?

This experience is extremely traumatic and leaves indelible marks on the trust one can have in humankind. You come out of it drained, traumatised, doubting yourself and everything else.

“There is nothing to be expected from the company of narcissistic abusers; one can only hope to come out of it unscathed!” Paul-Claude Racamier.

Narcissistic abuse is a particular form of narcissism which manifests itself in a constant need to degrade the outside world in order to feel valued and to fight against depressive anxieties that come from childhood.

The narcissistic abuser is an extremely damaged narcissist with an extremely fragile ego, and who will therefore have a compulsive need for the other person, whom they will use like a medicine.

How do you recognise a narcissistic abuser in a relationship?

They will genuinely seek to actively degrade the other person, unlike the narcissist, who behaves in a completely self-sufficient way but without any particular relentlessness.

Marie-France Hirigoyen, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, has taken a great interest in the subject, in particular in her brilliant book “Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity”, 2003.

She notes that in moral perversion, as in narcissistic abuse, the aim is to annex the other person’s psyche and to destroy it slowly in order to triumph. That is what we call coercive control: one seeks to appropriate another’s psyche for one’s own psychic comfort. The other person is treated like a utensil.

“The narcissistic abuser is a narcissist in the sense that he intends to owe nothing to anyone, and he is a perverse figure in the sense that he fully intends to make others pay the price of his disillusionment” Paul-Claude Racamier.

He takes revenge for his childhood by degrading the other person and triumphing over them, because he was unable to triumph over his parents. From then on, he believes he can become omnipotent again by reducing the other to nothing. You are nothing and I do not need you.

From the victim, the narcissistic abuser expects nothing but a demonstration of his own strength: he seeks admiration, not recognition.

No satisfaction is drawn from the company of the other person, but rather a jubilation derived from a feeling of superiority, of triumph over the other, and that is precisely what makes it so perverse.

In perversion we do not speak of love but of coercive control, as the exclusive means of coming into contact with the other.

The other person is gradually emptied of their personality, losing self-esteem and their sense of reality. They come to doubt their own psychic perceptions, to the point where they are sometimes utterly destroyed psychically.

The stages of a relationship with a narcissistic abuser.

At the beginning, he will study the other person in order to find their emotional weak points and try to offer himself as the remedy. He flatters enormously at first, holding out the promise of an idyllic love, a fairy-tale love.

The encounter feels unreal: he is charming, witty, very empathetic, understands you so well that words are almost unnecessary… his love seems unconditional, indestructible…

And above all, it is incredible: he loves exactly the same things as you. Who has not had the fantasy of a soulmate? Well, narcissistic abusers will embody it for you! With them you will be loved as you have never been loved before, guaranteed!

In the tiniest of touches, the illusion will gradually tarnish. First comes a small remark that seems innocuous, “that skirt makes your calves look big”, “you have a spot on your cheek there”. You feel a little unsettled, but in any case nothing bad can come from him, he loves me so much, he is so kind.

Only, these initially harmless remarks will intensify. The victim begins to feel confused, so different are these remarks from those heard at the beginning.

The narcissistic abuser has remembered everything you told him, has grasped all your fragilities and knows exactly where to press to hurt.

Little by little, domination sets in, aiming at a state of progressive dependence and then of absolute submission.

The victim is stunned, because she cannot make these two very different images coexist.

One gives in, in order to recover the love of before, and abandons oneself. Sudden rejection is far too unbearable. The control is now total.

The understanding, empathetic voice has given way to a cold, monotone, affectless voice that chills and unsettles, letting contempt or derision show through. Everything that existed insidiously is now out in the open: it is hatred.

The effectiveness of their attacks lies in the fact that the victim, taking herself as her own reference point, cannot imagine that anyone could be so utterly devoid of concern or compassion in the face of another’s suffering.

And yet love never existed in the abuser.

The victim of the narcissistic abuser

The victim does not in fact see that she is being manipulated, and it is only when the violence becomes too obvious that the mystery is lifted, often with the help of people from outside.

The victim has sensed the abuser’s suffering, which he allowed her to glimpse, only to cut himself off from it again very quickly. Because of this, she feels empathy for him and tells herself: I am going to make him change. If I endure enough, he will change - and this can unfortunately go on for years, and for some women, for a whole lifetime.

Victims are often very empathetic people who had a troubled parent whom they had to look after and whom they failed to save. The scenario with one of the parents is replayed, in the belief that this time the outcome will be a happy one.

Alberto Eiguer, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, writes at length about the destiny shared by these two personalities in his book “Le pervers narcissique et son complice”, 1989. It is an encounter between two unhappy pasts, but under entirely different auspices.

How do you break free from a narcissist’s control?

Perverse violence confronts the victim with her own vulnerability, with the forgotten traumas of her childhood.

Vulnerability to coercive control is acquired from childhood onwards.

Victims often remain frozen and in pain. We know that leaving would be their salvation, but often they cannot do it, so bound up are they in their own suffering

Often they push open the door of a psychologist’s practice speaking of depression, of unexplained anxiety, of a loss of confidence. If the relationship is discussed, it becomes complicated, because as the violence is gradual and highly insidious, it is often not recognised at first.

They doubt their own psychic perceptions, sometimes thinking they imagined it all, and often believe themselves responsible for this violence.

And it is from this point onwards that they can begin to retrace what is happening and hope to escape this control.

When they finally become aware of the manipulation, it is often only to shut themselves away in shame at having seen nothing!

They then lose their self-esteem.

The shame comes from realising the pathological compliance that allowed the other’s violence. In order to get better, they will need to make sense of all this in the light of their own history.

To understand that one cannot go back to those first days, because the person of those first days did not exist.

To understand that the hatred is not meant for us.

One has to let go and accept one’s powerlessness to change the other person.

To rebuild a good image of oneself, so that the other’s hatred never again calls one’s own identity into question.

To break free from coercive control, what happened must be revisited in front of a witness, often the therapist, in order to restore fairness to the events.

The perverse process must be identified, and one must emerge from the state of shock and from guilt

The problem must be analysed calmly, taking into account that the person with whom one is in a relationship has a dangerous personality disorder.

Conclusion: a fool’s game.

Between the abuser and his victim, it really is a fool’s game. Love often constitutes the perfect crime. It is the meeting of two unconscious minds, of two unfinished histories, in which each seeks, in the encounter with the other, to rewrite the ending.

The abuser looking for someone to destroy in order to prove to himself that love does not exist, and the victim looking for someone to save, often to make up for the sense of failure she has carried since childhood.

The abuser says: “love is a dangerous illusion and I am going to prove to you that it does not exist, I will never love you”, and the victim: “love is so powerful that it will overcome everything and I am going to prove it to you by loving you so much”

One instinctively understands that between these two, the ending can only be a disastrous one.

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