This title is intentionally borrowed from the book by Selma Fraiberg, an American pioneer whose work in the 1980s revolutionised the field of child psychology.
She introduced a concept that is now widely recognised in the field of child psychiatry: that of parental projections. Often, a child who exhibits a symptom, and is then labelled a “difficult child”, may be the bearer of unresolved, unconscious family issues. The child’s symptom echoes family conflicts that predate the child’s birth.
First, I will introduce the concept of family projections and their implications, and conclude with the therapeutic consultation with the child and his or her family.
Birth: a magical moment steeped in history
The birth of a child always sets a great deal in motion. The family unit will have to welcome a new little being into its midst, and will find itself turned upside down as a result.
The child begins to exist in the psyche of both mother and father, as soon as the pregnancy is announced. It unconsciously and intensely mobilises the psyche of the parents and their relationship with their own childhood.
Postpartum issues or the baby blues are often a sign of the mother’s previous conflictual relationships with her family of origin, which are re-enacted when she, in turn, becomes a mother and assumes the role of a parent.
Fairies around the cradle
During pregnancy, parents form a mental image of their child: they picture this little being to whom they will give everything… But what exactly does “everything” mean?
There are conscious fantasies: I’d like him to have this or that, to be like this or like that, to do this later on. But the ghosts of the past also hover around the future cradle… These are the family histories of both parents and their ancestors.
After all, we’re all descended from one set of parents, another that preceded it, and so on. In some respects, this family history lies deep in our unconscious, often just waiting for the arrival of the newcomer to resurface.
Not all the fairies who lean over the cradle at birth are benevolent, and so it’s possible that certain painful scenarios from the past are just waiting for this cherished moment to resurface. In psychology, these are called the narcissistic scenarios of parenthood.
Children, parents and their ancestors
Everything depends on the parent’s relationship with his or her own family history. The child’s psychopathology cannot be free from the imprint of this history.
We all want to be the best parents we can be. But it’s important to understand that when a child is struggling, he or she is often the bearer of the dynamics of a system: the family group.
From birth, the child is the repository of projections. The term “projection” means depositing parts of one’s own psyche in others.
Some are the direct result of good relationships and are constructive for the child, while others can be more conflictual. These can interfere with the development of a growing child’s personality. This can be the breeding ground for certain pathologies.
When history is replayed…
Parents who have had conflict-ridden family relationships may unconsciously re-enact an impossible scenario, one fuelled by long-standing and very often unconscious frustration. And it is with the birth of a child that old, unresolved issues with their own parents resurface. The past then comes back to haunt them, resurfacing in the present. To borrow Freud’s phrase, “the shadow of the parents has fallen upon the ego”.
It is possible that a mother, having been raised by a mother who was emotionally absent - because she was preoccupied with her own problems or with conflictual relationships within the couple - may have retained ambivalent memories of her relationship with her own mother. The same is true of a father who grew up, for example, in the shadow of a very authoritarian and unloving father.
Every story is different and unique. This doesn’t automatically mean that these scenarios will be replayed in the relationship with the child, but a door has been opened. This is unconscious and therefore disguised.
A typical example is that of families traumatised by wars, genocides, or any other form of individual trauma: a deadly burden is then deposited in the unconscious.
This can take various forms, such as excessive concern for the child’s safety, which can lead to anxiety, or even phobias. Some parents will categorically refuse to talk about the past, thereby creating a family-wide denial. This denial will deprive the child of knowledge about his or her origins, with the risk of paving the way for all sorts of pathologies.
Therapeutic consultations with the family
In light of what has just been said, I believe it is essential for parents to participate in the psychological consultation with their child. They are in the best position to provide the psychologist with information about the child’s symptoms and to help identify the issue in a way that most closely reflects the child’s reality. The school can also be a valuable source of information, as it is possible that the symptoms only manifest in that setting.
It is sometimes unfortunate to see certain parents come in for a consultation on their own initiative, or referred by the school, and present their child as the only one exhibiting the symptom, as if there were no family history of it.
No parent should feel guilty about his or her own history, or about having unintentionally brought unresolved conflicts from his or her own childhood to the surface in his or her role as a parent.
Therapeutic family consultations revitalise the family bond, unravel unconscious conflicts and open up new, more meaningful perspectives that benefit the entire family circle.
The child will also be seen alone, and will most often reveal his or her unconscious problems through play and drawing in the exchange with the therapist.
Therapeutic sessions involving both parents and children on an alternating basis often lead to rapid improvement. Bringing unconscious issues, which are often at the root of the problem, to light is central to the therapeutic process. Once these issues are brought to the surface, other strategies can be developed with the therapist; the ghosts hidden in the nursery then gradually disappear, giving way to a renewed and lasting harmony.
Fraiberg S., « Fantômes dans la chambre d’enfants », 2007, Le Fil rouge, PUF.